Monthly Archives: September 2011

Of Bromos and Boyfriends

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Bromos love boyfriends. When our amazing summer shorts go out of season, a boyfriend becomes the hottest accessory around. It’s great to have something someone hanging on your arm that isn’t a Fendi or a man-bag. And unlike your pet auxiliary, this one can talk.

We’re totally overdoing it on the dehumanization of the boyfriend, but bromos tend to be more about friendship and community—a real Aquarian concept, we think. But romance exists, and prickly thought it might be, it would be great to address it, right? Well here are some of the great things about boyfriends. And don’t worry, we’ll be posting the negs afterward!

Pros
They can teach you about yourself
You probably didn’t know you hated sleeping in the same bed with someone if you aren’t having sex until your boyfriend moved in. You also probably didn’t know that you enjoyed rock music, because you didn’t have someone to sit down and listen to it with you and not let you switch the station. Boyfriends tend to have a magical effect on the bromo; we’ll give disgusting deep-fried squid kalamari a chance if the boy we’re in like/love with suggested it. He might even open your eyes to international travel, or politics, or silly cartoons, and you’ll discover these things that might have otherwise gone unnoticed.

If you are loving, trusting and careful, you might also find techniques in lovemaking that make you the happiest camper you could possibly ever be.

Risk of STD is significantly reduced
One of the great things about a boyfriend is that when you hit the sack, it is likely that you both have had a few story times and you know each other’s relationship and sexual history and health status. That said, your risk of being infected is greatly reduced. Also, if either of you is positive, you can skip the point where either of you has to reveal your status (right before thebow-chika-wow-wow) and go right into using protection (which, we argue, you should be using anyway). Also, you know what he likes and what you like, so you’re pretty much probably going to have a great time.

Loneliness Averted
Sometimes—and I know you’ve felt it too—you have a king-sized bed and nobody to share it with. You lack the warmth that comes from a person’s body and you don’t have a cute little puppy to snuggle up with. Your breath shortens and you wonder why you feel so cold in your heart and if you’re doing something wrong… But then you turn the other way and your boyfriend is there. He’s your Prince Charming, bringing warmth to animate your frozen self; he’s your Harry Potter, shooing away the dementors with his eleven inch holly wand and manly stag Protronous; he’s your boyfriend, and you won’t sleep in the cold tonight.

Don’t judge us because we’re bitter and single. Judge us because we’re judging your relationship behind our smiles and averted glances. I would say just kidding, but… ;P

Cons
Baggage

Those boys can come with more baggage than a Louis Vuitton knockoff retailer when the sweatshop went into overproduction mode! They be all slaggy and mopey about their last relationships, never having dealt with them and bringing all of their problems to you, as if you’re Jay-Z. I mean, you may have 99 problems, but why does HE have to be one? Am I right, or am I right?

He already has those bags, so he had better have that something special, that super bass (what does that even MEAN, Nicki Minaj?!) so you can help him unpack, or you can send his ass right back onto Delta: Fendi, Louis, Prada and all. I prefer my men with a decently-sized duffel, anyway.

Jealousy
Now there is no need for this one. If the dude can’t stand that you are making more money, getting ahead in a way that he isn’t, or has a special skill that he doesn’t and he can’t support you: You don’t need that. I’m usually all about giving people a chance until they step beyond the line (and then some), but this sort of attitude is poisonous. If you are with someone and he cannot support you and help you get better as you help him, then he is a dud. What’s worse is when he begins to resent you and sabotages you, or belittles you to make himself feel better.

That is an absolute no-no. Now, we don’t mean that he’s in a funk and you should dump him immediately because he’s pissy. We’re talking about the sort of state that lasts for long periods of time and it affects you negatively. If you go from being an outgoing, offbeat cutie to a solemn, second-guessing random, you best believe your brotrio will be there to help you pull a Lily Allen on that mofo!

 

 

 

 

Cheating
LMAO! I wish a motherfucker would!

So, while this is probably the perfect Valentine’s post in the start of autumn, we would just like to end on a light note. Boyfriends can be gravy (especially when he’s pouring gravy over you and… um, right), but they can also be bittersweet. And if they can get crazy, you have got to be ready to get the burn on a mofo; get that Nicki out of your system on him!

Bromos to the Radio

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Sooo, we’ve been doing our tumblr thing again and found just the cutest little gif series. This one is called “Listening to the Radio.” I found it on it’s all whatev, run by alwaysbigsmiles Funny as hell! 🙂

Whenever Nicki Minaj comes on

Whenever Adele comes on

Whenever Wiz Khalifa comes on

Whenever Carrie Underwood comes on

Whenever Justin Bieber comes on

Whenever Lady Gaga comes on

Bromos like to be in control, hence the necessity for power plays and gay packs. But the real HBICs know that the radio is not the place for that. Get your ass an iPod and make a playlist: It’ll be as if the radio were controlled by you!

The Bromo Trio

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Read here for foundational knowledge: The Gay Pack

The Bromo Trio draws from the strongest shape in the world: The triangle. Every part is dedicated to the support of the other two. It’s no wonder that Bromo Trios are so popular these days!

The Bromo Trio is a little different from the pack. Whereas the Gay Pack is all about power, hierarchy and how to maintain it, the Bromo Trio is about support and making sure that each of its members is well-taken care of. Think about those three magic bitches from that one show that I never got into watching where they were all pretty useless without each other needed each other. Another thing that separates the Trio from the Pack is the fluidity of duties and roles. According to the situation or time of day, someone might take charge of group’s activities while another schedules and the other plays PR for why the Fabulous Few can’t make it to your bash this weekend. Here’s the basic breakdown of the Bro-trio.

The Spunky One [The Ditzy One]
Not similar to the HBIC in a Pack, the Spunky One might find himself making most of the trio’s decisions because he tends to throw caution to the wind when he does anything and the other two find themselves tagging along to avoid being caught in the whirlwind that Mister Spunk leaves behind. He’s not bossy, just persistent.

Tom: OMG! Let’s go to Chaparral tonight! They don’t have cover charge and it’s Reggaeton Night!
Seth: Tom-Tom; it’s Chaparral—it’s Reggaeton Night, like, EVERY night.
Tom: It’s not Raggaeton Night when it’s Ballroom Night, now is it? Come on! Let’s go! If we can go I promise I’ll just dance and I won’t meet anybody!
Ash: He’s lying, but let’s just go anyway. It’ll make a great Story Time later.

The Spunky One finds himself in the leader’s position because, quite frankly, he’s got the most random ideas and the others can’t resist having a little bit of fun getting a taste of the fantastic. He’s not the best at planning out the day for the utmost efficiency, but he will damn sure give you a great reputation for perkiness and an upbeat attitude if you let him play PR manager. Side not: The Spunky One should be accounted for at all times, lest he go home with some rand-o.

The Cool One [The Aloof One]
There’s usually one that won’t talk much. Now this might be a permanent position for one or it might be situational, but there’s one that will be rather aloof when the other two are talking about something. He doesn’t feel left out (unless it’s habitual, in which case it becomes neglect and ya’ll need to work that shit out) but he keeps his silence and figures out interesting quarks about the other two. He’s pretty logical and collected generally and won’t put up much resistance to whatever plans the other two are advocating loudly for. By the same token, he will expect to have enough leeway to make a choice that benefits him in return without a peep of opposition from the other two. Allow him this indulgence; it’s only fair.

As there are three people, it is assumed that there would be a case where two have a common interest and the third doesn’t share that, but the third has common interests with each of them that they do not share with the other. And that’s just how it is. The Cool One is usually the first to own up to something and dare you to challenge him..

When the Cool One is in the leader’s chair, you might find that there’s no need for someone to schedule/plan the events because he’s level-headed enough to do it himself (as opposed to the Spunky One, who definitely needs someone to organize stuff). As PR manager, he’ll give your Trio an aura of exclusivity, making everyone want to be with you or be you. And he works the room by making everybody walk to him rather than the other way around. The Cool One is a BOSS.

Though you might want to beware with this one. While he is very competent and capable, he is prone to not doing shit thanks to his inherent “whatever factor.” I swear I was going to get the tickets for cheap tonight… but then I was just like… whatever… An example (from Avatar Wikia): Mai was next seen where she had apparently been ordered to guard the Earth King’s pet bear, Bosco, but did not care enough about her assignment to attempt to stop Sokka, Toph, and the Earth King from retrieving the pet. She was so bored and restless from her duty that she let Toph, Sokka and The Earth King escape with the bear, stating, “Just take the bear” (read: “Do I look like somebody who gives a fuck hoot?”)


The Focused One [The Bitchy One/ The Normal One]
There’s always that one that is going to come off as a bitch or (not to normalize the bitch) the ‘normal’ one. Even if he isn’t a bitch, if the other two are sweet and cuddly, the Focused One becomes the de facto bitch. By the same token, however, he is also likely to be considered the least extreme between Mister Spunky and Mister Cool because he’d probably play it straight and be the heart that connects the heady Aloof and the hands-on Ditz.

The way the Focused One is defined is pretty situational with every Trio, as he is usually the difference between the Spunky One and the Cool One. He’s the most versatile as he has to keep up with them both at their different paces.

He’s great as a leader because he has both extremes on either hand to weigh the pros and cons of every idea and decision. And even if the Spunky One winds up making the most decisions, the Focused One usually has the foresight and leadership to make every entrance noticeable and every exit memorable. As the scheduler, he’s still probably going to be second behind the Cool One, but he can sustain interest in doing tasks whereas the Cool One has to deal with the “whatever factor” (the Cool One is most apt to disdaining most everything that can be disdained).

As the PR manager, he can get people to pay attention that otherwise wouldn’t. The Spunky One can easily channel the energy of everyone who is easily excitable, but can turn off those who are pretty chill. The Cool One can rub shoulders with other shoulder shruggers, but be seen as too uninteresting for the Ooh Shiny crowd. The Focused One can draw interest from the margins of both crowds and more than likely people who wouldn’t be swayed by anyone.

The Bromo trio is one part simple, one part solid, and one part sexy and it’s spread equally among each of the members. It isn’t rare to find that within the Trio, two might be tighter and the third either has a boyfriend on the side or is part of another group.  That’s just how the fortune cookie crumbles.

And if you’re wondering why this posts’ pics have been centered around Avatar: The Last Airbender, well bromos love it, so therefore, so do I The Legend of Korra is coming out soon and I’m totally stoked! My Trio and I will be in attendance of the premiering episode in November 2011! Totes can’t wait!

And don’t forget to ADD US ON FACEBOOK for more updates! Special guest writer soon! 🙂

Get into the Mix

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Bromos love mixes. Whether it’s a mixed drink, a party with mixed company, or looking at sexy ambiguously mixed men and completely objectifying them by attempting to itemize their ethnic characteristics and ultimately deciding if he’s just ethnic enough so that you can bring him home to the parents oggling them, bromos don’t do anything on the straight or narrow. That said, we found this beautiful mix of songs great for starting our pregame this evening.

It’s a house/dance mix of massively popular songs from earlier this year put together by Youtube user DJHennerz.

This is an electro/house mix for the real party. Break it out only once that party has started. And the visuals are pretty great too. So if you party with a projector, you’re in luck! This reminds me, I want to throw a gay night at our school’s night club. I think it would be a lot of fun! Or the room might work—that way, we can have real cocktails with only a portion of the judging!

Bromos Love…. DIVAS!

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We know, we know, bromos break the mold and expectations like J. Lo breaks hearts, but one thing is certain: From the tiniest twink to the most ‘roided gym bunnie, we love our divas. They’re like the fruit flies who we can stick into our iPods and have story time with in the shower (don’t act like I’m the only one who sings sad songs about being alone in the shower!!)

Beyonce
Bromos love them some Beyonce. Beyonce’s “thing” even while being a part of Destiny’s step Child was to talk about how hard she worked. And when that got old, she got everybody else to talk about how hard she worked. With the amount of talent she has, she was making damn sure that nobody chalked it up to good genetics in the voice department for her to be able to belt out notes with that powerhouse voice. And it worked. Even her nickname, “Bee”, corresponds to her hard work.

But bromos love her because we can feel as if we worked hard even if we just listened to her and danced the night away, screeching lip-syncing her music. Not going to lie, her acting isn’t all that great, but nobody can deny that the woman can SANG! We also feel like she gives us many H2BT moments, like when she fell offstage on tour that one time and it’s totally on youtube sang especially good well that one time and topped herself.

Lady Gaga
This chick made it OK to go out dressed in shit we found around the garage. Bromos were already creative, but Gaga inspired the creative spirit in those who might’ve been too afraid otherwise. Call her manufactured, a sellout, an Illuminati witch, a blasphemer, whatever; the fact that you have a deeply-seeded personal opinion about this woman should show how much reach she has.

And that’s not all! Along with Nicki Minaj (see below), she gave relatively normal children license to act psychotic and deranged. Last time I checked, clawing the air and thinking you had claws got you an A for creativity in kindergarten, or another dose of whatever they were giving you in the insane asylum. But I’m just sayin’.

Adele
Bitch, we know, we know. Rumour has it that we rolling in the deep while turning tables; don’t you remember when we set fire to the rain because he wont go after we told him to take it all? We get it already!

Adele is a humble diva who ain’t gettin’ another mention on this blog for a month! I swear, we might as well have been her PR team, we promoted that ass so good. Betch got me talkin’ like I’m with the gurls. Ugh. Anyway, we love her and that’s all you need to know.

Nicki Minaj
This chick made it OK for little white bromos to join the soft-core rap scene and not be stared at like a curious object by the Black and Latino bromos in the club. Just be careful cos that tricky lady laid down some landmines that you might not want to step on if you’re not behind locked doors. Though, for that matter, why would anyone want to step on a landmine?

Anyway, she’s got like a billion personalities that all come out at different times to handle their various businesses, making Nicki like a medium or something. What differentiates her from Gaga aside from the ginormous ass and rapping ability is her total immersion in fashion. Gaga wears Diet Coke cans in her hair because it’s ‘cool’. Nicki wears stuff that would make you wonder what the hell drug you’re on because she can. Not hating on Gaga, but Nicki ups the ante LIKE A DUNGEON DRAGON.

Janelle Monae
So, she’s edgy, but not so much so over the edge that she’s caught in a bad romance or feeling like a dungeon dragon. No, no, she’s much classier than that. Donning tuxedos and a pompadour that only she can rock, Janelle Monae is at the top of her class. Bromos love her because she’s real and she’s smart.

Her music has meaning and it really comes from her heart; and if you’ve ever seen her perform… Well… *GUSH*

Anyway, Janelle is like the tightrope she sings about. She’s amazing and artistic, but she’s so cool and down to earth that you wouldn’t be embarrassed going to her concert and being seen there (if Gaga and Minaj weren’t industry-pushed, you wouldn’t be caught dead listening to their flat-ass lyrics and you know it).

Bromo Indifference (Not Giving a Fuc–hoot!!)

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Bromos love to look like we don’t give a fuck hoot. 50% of the time, it’s because we don’t, and 50% of the time because we want you to think we don’t. If we had a fuck hoot, we wouldn’t give it to you. In fact, if you have a fuck hoot, you didn’t get it from a bromo, because a bromo simply doesn’t give a fuck hoot. In this beautifully done video of Claudio Maddox Lake describing the fucks hoots he doesn’t give, the essence of bromo indifference in the social scene (if we aren’t volunteering) is brought into the highest regard.

Have a problem with the way I walk? I don’t give a fuck hoot. Don’t like what I have to say? A fuck hoot is not something I give to you. Got milk? Well it’s good you have something, because you don’t got a fuck hoot from me.

Bromos tend to be indifferent as a side effect of the silent war with the society we live in. We want to be full citizens of our nations, but we can’t get married or adopt children. We want to be patriotic, but the “most patriotic” of our countrymen love telling us how “God H8s Fags.” It’s this mild schizophrenia of trying to be ‘respectable’ the way we were raised to be without turning traitor to the “ideals of gayness”—whatever those are. (Do not misread respectable as respectful; respectable is relative and pressed from the outside, whereas respectfulness is inner-driven.)

indifferenceYou can tell when a bromo is behind a wall of indifference because if you’ve seen one bored phoning, this is ten times worse. At least with bored phoning, we look like we’re doing something worthwhile. With outright indifference, we could be staring you right in your face and not giving a fuck hoot like we’re getting paid for every second we don’t blink.

But it isn’t all bad, because you can either scale the unemotional barb-wired wall and be that special one, or you can shatter the only thing that allows the bromo to keep from crying at every provocation wall and risk having your face shattered (or receiving grudging and undying love and respect for being brave). At any rate, indifference isn’t absolute, but cocktails can contain Absolut.

And in honor of every bromo that could not give any less of a fuck hoot:

The Pack of Gays

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While the gay is a great solitary hunter like the leopard, there is also the pack of gays. You can see them at the club, the bar, the highschool or college hallway, or at your local mall. While the gay man alone is fierce, the gay pack, for better or for worse, is a force to be reckoned with. The difference between a pack of gays and a group of bromos is that one is lethal and will cut your red whereas the other is a group of gay guys who bond together in a meaningful friendship with mutually beneficial feeling for all. The pack of gays can be dangerous if you dont know who you are dealing with. They’re not evil, but they tend to fall into Mean Girls-esq tropes.

Head Bitch In Charge
First off, you’ve got the HBIC. This is the leader and, when necessary, the dictator. He’s the one who has the most sway in deciding what’s cool, where you’re going out tonight, and if your outfit is going to clash with what the rest of the group is wearing. And he did not become the HBIC by accident. He either found the individual bromos and pulled them together, or, more typically, clawed his way through a bloody coup d’etat and is currently sitting on a throne made of the former HBIC’s bones. (In betch terms, the “UGH.”)

At his best, the HBIC listens to you during Story Times and understands your needs. He then tries to help you with your issues with his own power, or he’ll find some resource for you. At worst, you’ll be dictated to by some prima donna with a god complex and it will continue unless you stand up for yourself, because, I mean why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that’s not what Rome is about! We should totally just STAB CAESAR! that’s the circle of life. Or he’ll make sure you aren’t a part of H2BT moments.

Second-in-Command
This is the one who usually walks around with the HBIC more or less on his level. Since the HBIC is usually sort of outwardly mighty, demonstrating power in what he can do and say, the SIC tends to be just as powerful (if not more) while remaining reserved. He’s the cool one who may seem mute or distanced as the HBIC goes on displaying his power.

The SIC may be a total bitch who is more aggressive than the HBIC but is under the thumb of the HBIC for some reason or another, or a total sweetie who got mixed up in the pack early on and knew how to ride the waves and keep up. The SIC can be an irreplaceable ally or the devil incarnate, the likes of which can never be replicated by the HBIC or Satan.

And if you, for whatever reason, are trying to get into a pack of gays and you don’t want to do an entry level job, you can wait for some power struggle between the HBIC and the SIC. Then ally yourself with the SIC if and only if you are certain his and your power combined can bring the Bitch down, because it would SUCK to be a would-be usurper who got beat by the Crown when he was alone and you were allied. Worse still: You and the SIC win against the HBIC and then the SIC turns traitor and leaves you out to dry with the HBIC still bitter/prowling around and poor little you without protection. And if you thought it couldn’t get any more fucked up, imagine if the SIC becomes the HBIC, turns against you, and allows the former HBIC to become the SIC.

Fuck with a pack and get fucked. Hard.

The Auxiliaries
The auxiliary gays are by far the most stable. Usually coming in twos (a standard pack is 4-5), they comply with whatever power is in charge at the moment and are great at filling in spots to make a pack look complete. They are like group historians, keeping the history of the group alive, adding fabulousness and generally closing in the gaps. In families, they’re probably most akin to the two gossipy aunts who provide comic relief with their witty and sarcastic observations of everybody’s business.

Gentle though they may be, they are by no means powerless. The difference between gentleness and powerlessness is that he who is gentle chooses not to exercise power, whereas the latter cannot. In fact, the auxiliaries are usually bored looking and totally over whatever is going on between the Powers That Be. That said, if the pack has not had any external conflicts, they might start gossiping and instigating something within the pack. Beware of the quiet ones. When the HBIC and SIC of a pack wear themselves out and have to move away or something due to public humiliation mysterious circumstances, the two auxiliaries usually take over and fill the vacuum, showing all along what power they had the entire time.

You might have noticed that I never once mentioned bromos in this equation. All bromos are gay (unless honorary), but not all gays are bromos. Bromos tend to have more respect, and although they enjoy hierarchy and status, they are not excessively cruel. Besides, this post is merely a satire of gay group dynamics. Most bromos are familiar enough with these dynamics to mimic them in their play without meaning it.

All that said, for the sake of karma, don’t be too mean. If you want to find out how mean you are, consult Our Bible Mean Girls and ask yourself whether or not you would push the HBIC in front of a moving bus if she didn’t stand in front of it herself.