The Pack of Gays


While the gay is a great solitary hunter like the leopard, there is also the pack of gays. You can see them at the club, the bar, the highschool or college hallway, or at your local mall. While the gay man alone is fierce, the gay pack, for better or for worse, is a force to be reckoned with. The difference between a pack of gays and a group of bromos is that one is lethal and will cut your red whereas the other is a group of gay guys who bond together in a meaningful friendship with mutually beneficial feeling for all. The pack of gays can be dangerous if you dont know who you are dealing with. They’re not evil, but they tend to fall into Mean Girls-esq tropes.

Head Bitch In Charge
First off, you’ve got the HBIC. This is the leader and, when necessary, the dictator. He’s the one who has the most sway in deciding what’s cool, where you’re going out tonight, and if your outfit is going to clash with what the rest of the group is wearing. And he did not become the HBIC by accident. He either found the individual bromos and pulled them together, or, more typically, clawed his way through a bloody coup d’etat and is currently sitting on a throne made of the former HBIC’s bones. (In betch terms, the “UGH.”)

At his best, the HBIC listens to you during Story Times and understands your needs. He then tries to help you with your issues with his own power, or he’ll find some resource for you. At worst, you’ll be dictated to by some prima donna with a god complex and it will continue unless you stand up for yourself, because, I mean why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that’s not what Rome is about! We should totally just STAB CAESAR! that’s the circle of life. Or he’ll make sure you aren’t a part of H2BT moments.

This is the one who usually walks around with the HBIC more or less on his level. Since the HBIC is usually sort of outwardly mighty, demonstrating power in what he can do and say, the SIC tends to be just as powerful (if not more) while remaining reserved. He’s the cool one who may seem mute or distanced as the HBIC goes on displaying his power.

The SIC may be a total bitch who is more aggressive than the HBIC but is under the thumb of the HBIC for some reason or another, or a total sweetie who got mixed up in the pack early on and knew how to ride the waves and keep up. The SIC can be an irreplaceable ally or the devil incarnate, the likes of which can never be replicated by the HBIC or Satan.

And if you, for whatever reason, are trying to get into a pack of gays and you don’t want to do an entry level job, you can wait for some power struggle between the HBIC and the SIC. Then ally yourself with the SIC if and only if you are certain his and your power combined can bring the Bitch down, because it would SUCK to be a would-be usurper who got beat by the Crown when he was alone and you were allied. Worse still: You and the SIC win against the HBIC and then the SIC turns traitor and leaves you out to dry with the HBIC still bitter/prowling around and poor little you without protection. And if you thought it couldn’t get any more fucked up, imagine if the SIC becomes the HBIC, turns against you, and allows the former HBIC to become the SIC.

Fuck with a pack and get fucked. Hard.

The Auxiliaries
The auxiliary gays are by far the most stable. Usually coming in twos (a standard pack is 4-5), they comply with whatever power is in charge at the moment and are great at filling in spots to make a pack look complete. They are like group historians, keeping the history of the group alive, adding fabulousness and generally closing in the gaps. In families, they’re probably most akin to the two gossipy aunts who provide comic relief with their witty and sarcastic observations of everybody’s business.

Gentle though they may be, they are by no means powerless. The difference between gentleness and powerlessness is that he who is gentle chooses not to exercise power, whereas the latter cannot. In fact, the auxiliaries are usually bored looking and totally over whatever is going on between the Powers That Be. That said, if the pack has not had any external conflicts, they might start gossiping and instigating something within the pack. Beware of the quiet ones. When the HBIC and SIC of a pack wear themselves out and have to move away or something due to public humiliation mysterious circumstances, the two auxiliaries usually take over and fill the vacuum, showing all along what power they had the entire time.

You might have noticed that I never once mentioned bromos in this equation. All bromos are gay (unless honorary), but not all gays are bromos. Bromos tend to have more respect, and although they enjoy hierarchy and status, they are not excessively cruel. Besides, this post is merely a satire of gay group dynamics. Most bromos are familiar enough with these dynamics to mimic them in their play without meaning it.

All that said, for the sake of karma, don’t be too mean. If you want to find out how mean you are, consult Our Bible Mean Girls and ask yourself whether or not you would push the HBIC in front of a moving bus if she didn’t stand in front of it herself.


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