Tag Archives: HBIC

Bromo Say Psychic?!

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The best part about being a bromo is probably the psychic abilities. While the occasional ability to pass for straight shapshift or vent angrily breath fire does pop up frequently, it’s the psychic arsenal that finds itself the most prized power play. Among our psychic powers is mind reading, mind-to-mind communication, mental command, time manipulation, seduction, confusion, and the like. I mean, it’s not like we’re not scanning your whole history while we pretend to be on the phone with our besties.

Mind Reading
We know what you’re thinking before you acknowledge it, and while that dumb look crosses your face as you consider what it would be like to have your nasty way with us. The bromo doesn’t even have to try with some people, they just shout their thoughts outloud as if their brains had a little megaphone. When you think we’re just standing around all model-esq as a form of power play, in actuality, we are focusing all of our attention on diving into the depths of your past, figuring out what makes you tick, and then judging the best way to approach you—if you past our first tests.

By the same token, we’re also doing a risk analysis: Does the fact that you don’t make up your bed in the morning an indication that you are sloppy, or too ambitious to pay attention to the small things? And because mind reading won’t get us everywhere necessarily, we have to use our other psychic abilities.

Mind-to-Mind Communication
Everybody talks to themselves in their minds. It’s how we run over thoughts or choose courses of action. When the bromo engages in mind-to-mind, it’s for one of two things: low-down gossip, or sly infiltration. Basically, it’s a story time without having to go anywhere. Using this form of communication, bromos share answers during tests that are ridiculously unfair difficult, discuss the proper ass-to-waist ratio while sitting in the pews at the silent church, or cutting down some rude bitch who happens to have more authority than both bromos combined. It’s not necessary, but the natural inclination for the bromo is to make eye contact that the outsider knows is meaningful, but can’t decipher. Another bromo might be able to hack into the wavelength, but woe betide the poor non who lights aflame the ire of a bromo scorned in the presence of others.

As far as usage for infiltration, the bromo gets all up in your head. He’s the voice pretending to be yours when you aren’t sure if you should get yogurt or ice cream. You know for certain that you wanted ice ceram in the beginning, but the little insistence that you get yogurt that eats away at you until you’re in front of the fro-yo place is deafening. And it doesn’t let up. The bromo also uses this power to stop you from making a move you’ll regret. He’s your best friend’s ex! Don’t do it! Like the little angel on your shoulder, the bromo’s got your back—especially when it comes to whose back you should have.

Mental Command
This is a power that the bromo should really cultivate more instead of focusing on the moral ethics of it. If you’ve ever seen a group of potential gay bashers suddenly get a sense of morality and back off, or a bartender give an extra shot of rum to a bromos cocktail when he hasn’t even flirted with him yet, you’ve witnessed this power in play. It’s often not used to its full potential because the evil Order of the Status Quo knows that same-sex relationships and transgender identity rights would gain full acceptance if they don’t continue to use the media to oppress us. They do everything in their power to keep our self-confidence minimal. Not ironically, it is self-confidence that is necessary to make this particular power work. Coincidence? How are you going to control someone if you can’t even control yourself? You must own yourself!

In recent years, as our confidence grows and our community, so does our ability to come together and affirm each other, allowing our abilities to flourish. Do you think all of those senators and governors agreed to support our rights on their own? Nope. Our on-the-go forceful acceptance therapy delightful persuasion had to strike the right chords. There are some who are seemingly impervious to our abilities, but as we grow, so will our mental command powers and our rights.

But on the less political side, we have been able to use this wonderful gift to make certain lawmakers act on their natural urges in order to create scandals nationwide. Since mental command can’t make someone do anything they would not naturally do, bromos claim a victory.

Time Manipulation
Cher wasn’t making things up when she sang If I could turn back time—she was yearning for the power that her bromo followers had. While we can’t actually turn back time (though the more powerful among us can), we can manipulate our mind into vibrating at a higher frequency so that we are essentially going 120 down an empty highway instead of staying on the same path as everyone else. With this ability, the bromo can eat lunch, read his favorite blog, do his homework, set up three back-to-back dates because he’s not at the commitment stage yet, call his mom to pick up his new Flamenco boots, and hook up with his friends for coffee all before time to go to the Lady Gaga concert and the Rihanna CD signing seemingly simultaneously.

The bromo can do all of this without the help of Adderall because he’s so used to having to multitask holding the camera while making sure the lighting reflects off of him well enough so that it looks like an authentic sex tape so that he can get on that new reality show. Also, he has a history of being around royalty (if he himself is not a queen) and can manage their schedules like nobody’s business. The bromo is a hot mess, but he looks good while doing it and he has 48 hours per day to get it right.

Confusion
The bromo’s final psychic power (listed here, that is) is the confusion blast. The bromo, through his slick talk and cunning, can create a bomb of confusion in the minds of anybody who thinks they know him. It can manifest as him being “the goth one” and then suddenly being all sunshine and dolphins and shit, stealing your boyfriend from right under you, and obtaining your parent’s approval to legally own you without you knowing where any of it came from. The bromo with a single glance can leave you dazed for days, grasping at the threads of reality and saying, “wait, what?”

It’s uncertain how it works. It’s uncertain what it is. It can be achieved through, conceivably, perfectly normal means, but it works in such a way that you have to wonder if it’s planned chaos. Or an unplanned strip of order. Confusion, indeed.

 

The bromo is indeed a powerful entity. And this was only just a sneak peek of the powers the bromo has. What other powers can you think of the bromo having?

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Homage to Tumblr’s “Miranda Priestley” tag

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I’ve been tumbling lately (Check me out!!) and I realized that Miranda Priestly is all up in this betch. Anybody who knows me knows I love this woman like my own daughter *cough*. That said, feel free to enjoy the narrative proceeding these messages outlining the symbolic and literal impact that a bromo has on the world. 🙂

The moment you enter the room

The moment somebody interrupts your story time or H2BT moment

The moment somebody interrupts you and again

The moment you play with your prey before you pull a power play

The moment they realize they’re messing with the HBIC

The moment you put them in their place
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The moment you lay down the final law
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Bromos are the baddest betches: Not only because we do as we please, but generally, we are pleased with what we do. Miranda Preistley is the epitome of that. Never, I say, never in your life, get a bromo to the point where he makes you his bitch. We seriously do not play that. If you have to ask, we will dismiss you.

"That's all."

Power Play

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RuPaul

The bromo is a minority rare breed. Even within the gay community, his confidence and sense of self put him in a place where he is in the winner’s circle. Naturally, bitches be jealous of his boogie. Moreover, if the bromo is naturally insecure and in a place where he is not free to be himself,  he must  be even more cunning to keep that ass in the clear.

That said, the bromo must have a few tricks up his sleeve—or the ability to leverage power in any situation. If the world were fair, the bromo would be like everyone else. But it’s not, and a bitch got to eat right? (But not too much; you wanna look good for Fashion Week next year!) The bromo, therefore, develops strategies for getting the edge on the competition. We’ll outline some of the various ways the bromo leverages power in every day situations.

Language
Bromos have mastered the runaround. While we can be blunt, years of being in the closet and describing our pretend lovers as “they” has taught us to craft language into a suitable form of defensive weaponry.

Straightboy Tom: So John, you have anyone special?
John: Yeah, they’re in school abroad.
Straightboy Tom: Cool; she must be really smart.

Take note of how Tom assumes that they translates into she. He’s not dumb—he’s just a part of a heteronormative order which is so confident in its self-sustainability that it does not question itself or those who subscribe to it. Yes; just by virtue of being gay in our society, you must fight all that.

Also, our ability to code-switch, or change our manner of speech for our environment, gives us an added layer of meaning when we are around mixed company.

Bromo John: Gurl! Did you even know about Beyonce’s baby?!
Bromo Dylan: Honey! I thought she was getting a little fat!
Bromo John: Oh shit! Straightboy Tom is coming!
Bromo Dylan: Yeah, so I totally banged that girl—I mean bitch!
Bromo John: Yeah! Me too! It was so, uh, good!
Straightboy Tom: Awesome!
Bromo Dylan: Okay, gurl. He’s gone. So anyway, I hope little Beybey doesn’t look like Jay-Z.

And finally, our humor. Since we hate our sinful selves can laugh self-depreciatingly at ourselves, it’s not odd to hear two or more bromos trading insults. It’s like an oral workout with none of the cleanup. As bad and as brutal as we can be to each other, we can be worse toward you.

Basically, the bromo distorts what others think about him not by lying outright, but by allowing people to think what it is they really want to think. It’s a flattering service, really.

The sexy Fauzi Rassull: Singapore's ONLY Male Bitch

The False Idol
We can be Jezebel whores of Babylon at times, leading men to destruction. “Don’t put any idol before Me,” said God, in one of his Ten Commandments. Well bromos certainly tempt men by sitting like statuesque deities as they sit upright with arched backs and eyes that stare off purposefully into the distance. Take our word for it: You can see it at any of those stand-and-be-seen type bars. Bromos literally move as if they can be photographed at any minute and they will not be seen looking like a hot mess. But it’s really a power play: It scares away the meek men and only the bromos with confidence in their swag dare to approach. It also dares the trepid men to bromo-up and take the challenge.

The Test of Fire
A bromo won’t use this particular power strategy unless you are his worst enemy. It’s like being put beneath a magnifying glass with the sun being intensified on you and there’s nowhere to run. You and the bromo are at a party and you’re all standing, sipping your Pinot Grigio and as Tony tells a story nobody cares about in his mousy voice, the bromo interrupts: Josh! How are your herpes? And did your hemorrhoids clear up? Something private goes public. The only way to get past this is to own it and move on. Your only shot is to appeal for sympathy by painting the bromo as a bad guy. Just bite the bullet and cry.

Worse, however, is when the bromo says something indirect and meaningless: It’s OK, Josh. We all know about your little problem. We just want to help. This one is worse because it’s abstract, and the bromo uses his superior mental abilities to make the unaware regular people create their own little problem with Josh. And because they all want to help poor Josh, they all get whatever it is they think Josh needs. And because all the focus is on Josh, the bromo that started it all is seen as a saint for wanting to help Josh. That shit right there? That’s leverage.

So in the end, bromos and power play go hand in hand. The bitch within the bromo is strong. One must know the bromo to beat the bromo. Do not mistake the bromo for a weakling. If bars exist between a bromo and a non, it’s for the non’s protection. At any rate, with power plays, to win is to gain the bromo’s love and/or admiration. Or his eternal enmity.

Story Time

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Bromos are smarter than the average human being, but since there are so few of us, we can’t possibly have all the relevant information in the world. That’s why we network and gossip: AKA, Story Time.

A bromo will literally sit in the presence of an individual that he absolutely cannot stand for excessive amounts of time just to know what the T is. But that’s just regular gossip. Story Time is deeper and more primal than that. Story Time means that you and your bromos will schedule a lunch, a spa day, a gym day or even drop whatever you are doing at that moment to just talk. A typical Story Time text looks like this:

 Adam: Gurl! We need a Story Time!
Chris: I’m in the middle of an intervention with my friend Felix! I might never drink again after hearing his story!
Adam: Craig just broke up with George and G isn’t taking it too hot! … Plus, I have Chocovine!!
Chris: OMG, OMW! God will heal Felix in ways I can’t and I’ll learn from his mistakes! TTFN!

Yes. Bromos love exclamation marks. But moreover, ST is a time to learn how your bromos are changing and evolving. You can discover that Shawn is actually starting to lean toward moderate politics, and that Joey finds a moderate leaning anywhere hilarious since he’s all newly political and whatnot. This is where the inside jokes are formed, and the Had To Be There Moments. And NOBODY wants to miss a Had To Be There Moment.

Missing one means that every time a certain phrase is uttered, laughter and hilarity will ensue and you will have no part in it. Then you’ll be left having to laugh gently so that your bromos don’t pick up on the fact that you weren’t there and they know it as you try to keep up appearances of cohesion for the rest of the onlooking world. Because you know the world is totally watching your every move. And you do not want to look like chickenshit in the off-chance that the HBIC happens to glance your way.

And a bromo is nothing without his gurls. Lezzy or straight, gurls are also invited to story times, though they more often than not call their own since the bromo translates into gay BFFs in the language of the betch (there’s a surprising amount of overlap). Story time with the gurls freshens up our testosterone tolerance by depleting the amount of male we are constantly surrounded by so we don’t straight up get sick of them.

So the next time you hear there’s going to be a Story Time, be prepared to drop EVERYTHING. Your bromos need you, and if you’re a true bestie, you’ll be there. No pressure, though. Just prepare to be left out of the laugh circle.