Tag Archives: lady gaga

Bromo Say Psychic?!

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The best part about being a bromo is probably the psychic abilities. While the occasional ability to pass for straight shapshift or vent angrily breath fire does pop up frequently, it’s the psychic arsenal that finds itself the most prized power play. Among our psychic powers is mind reading, mind-to-mind communication, mental command, time manipulation, seduction, confusion, and the like. I mean, it’s not like we’re not scanning your whole history while we pretend to be on the phone with our besties.

Mind Reading
We know what you’re thinking before you acknowledge it, and while that dumb look crosses your face as you consider what it would be like to have your nasty way with us. The bromo doesn’t even have to try with some people, they just shout their thoughts outloud as if their brains had a little megaphone. When you think we’re just standing around all model-esq as a form of power play, in actuality, we are focusing all of our attention on diving into the depths of your past, figuring out what makes you tick, and then judging the best way to approach you—if you past our first tests.

By the same token, we’re also doing a risk analysis: Does the fact that you don’t make up your bed in the morning an indication that you are sloppy, or too ambitious to pay attention to the small things? And because mind reading won’t get us everywhere necessarily, we have to use our other psychic abilities.

Mind-to-Mind Communication
Everybody talks to themselves in their minds. It’s how we run over thoughts or choose courses of action. When the bromo engages in mind-to-mind, it’s for one of two things: low-down gossip, or sly infiltration. Basically, it’s a story time without having to go anywhere. Using this form of communication, bromos share answers during tests that are ridiculously unfair difficult, discuss the proper ass-to-waist ratio while sitting in the pews at the silent church, or cutting down some rude bitch who happens to have more authority than both bromos combined. It’s not necessary, but the natural inclination for the bromo is to make eye contact that the outsider knows is meaningful, but can’t decipher. Another bromo might be able to hack into the wavelength, but woe betide the poor non who lights aflame the ire of a bromo scorned in the presence of others.

As far as usage for infiltration, the bromo gets all up in your head. He’s the voice pretending to be yours when you aren’t sure if you should get yogurt or ice cream. You know for certain that you wanted ice ceram in the beginning, but the little insistence that you get yogurt that eats away at you until you’re in front of the fro-yo place is deafening. And it doesn’t let up. The bromo also uses this power to stop you from making a move you’ll regret. He’s your best friend’s ex! Don’t do it! Like the little angel on your shoulder, the bromo’s got your back—especially when it comes to whose back you should have.

Mental Command
This is a power that the bromo should really cultivate more instead of focusing on the moral ethics of it. If you’ve ever seen a group of potential gay bashers suddenly get a sense of morality and back off, or a bartender give an extra shot of rum to a bromos cocktail when he hasn’t even flirted with him yet, you’ve witnessed this power in play. It’s often not used to its full potential because the evil Order of the Status Quo knows that same-sex relationships and transgender identity rights would gain full acceptance if they don’t continue to use the media to oppress us. They do everything in their power to keep our self-confidence minimal. Not ironically, it is self-confidence that is necessary to make this particular power work. Coincidence? How are you going to control someone if you can’t even control yourself? You must own yourself!

In recent years, as our confidence grows and our community, so does our ability to come together and affirm each other, allowing our abilities to flourish. Do you think all of those senators and governors agreed to support our rights on their own? Nope. Our on-the-go forceful acceptance therapy delightful persuasion had to strike the right chords. There are some who are seemingly impervious to our abilities, but as we grow, so will our mental command powers and our rights.

But on the less political side, we have been able to use this wonderful gift to make certain lawmakers act on their natural urges in order to create scandals nationwide. Since mental command can’t make someone do anything they would not naturally do, bromos claim a victory.

Time Manipulation
Cher wasn’t making things up when she sang If I could turn back time—she was yearning for the power that her bromo followers had. While we can’t actually turn back time (though the more powerful among us can), we can manipulate our mind into vibrating at a higher frequency so that we are essentially going 120 down an empty highway instead of staying on the same path as everyone else. With this ability, the bromo can eat lunch, read his favorite blog, do his homework, set up three back-to-back dates because he’s not at the commitment stage yet, call his mom to pick up his new Flamenco boots, and hook up with his friends for coffee all before time to go to the Lady Gaga concert and the Rihanna CD signing seemingly simultaneously.

The bromo can do all of this without the help of Adderall because he’s so used to having to multitask holding the camera while making sure the lighting reflects off of him well enough so that it looks like an authentic sex tape so that he can get on that new reality show. Also, he has a history of being around royalty (if he himself is not a queen) and can manage their schedules like nobody’s business. The bromo is a hot mess, but he looks good while doing it and he has 48 hours per day to get it right.

Confusion
The bromo’s final psychic power (listed here, that is) is the confusion blast. The bromo, through his slick talk and cunning, can create a bomb of confusion in the minds of anybody who thinks they know him. It can manifest as him being “the goth one” and then suddenly being all sunshine and dolphins and shit, stealing your boyfriend from right under you, and obtaining your parent’s approval to legally own you without you knowing where any of it came from. The bromo with a single glance can leave you dazed for days, grasping at the threads of reality and saying, “wait, what?”

It’s uncertain how it works. It’s uncertain what it is. It can be achieved through, conceivably, perfectly normal means, but it works in such a way that you have to wonder if it’s planned chaos. Or an unplanned strip of order. Confusion, indeed.

 

The bromo is indeed a powerful entity. And this was only just a sneak peek of the powers the bromo has. What other powers can you think of the bromo having?

Bromos to the Radio

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Sooo, we’ve been doing our tumblr thing again and found just the cutest little gif series. This one is called “Listening to the Radio.” I found it on it’s all whatev, run by alwaysbigsmiles Funny as hell! 🙂

Whenever Nicki Minaj comes on

Whenever Adele comes on

Whenever Wiz Khalifa comes on

Whenever Carrie Underwood comes on

Whenever Justin Bieber comes on

Whenever Lady Gaga comes on

Bromos like to be in control, hence the necessity for power plays and gay packs. But the real HBICs know that the radio is not the place for that. Get your ass an iPod and make a playlist: It’ll be as if the radio were controlled by you!

Bromos Love…. DIVAS!

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We know, we know, bromos break the mold and expectations like J. Lo breaks hearts, but one thing is certain: From the tiniest twink to the most ‘roided gym bunnie, we love our divas. They’re like the fruit flies who we can stick into our iPods and have story time with in the shower (don’t act like I’m the only one who sings sad songs about being alone in the shower!!)

Beyonce
Bromos love them some Beyonce. Beyonce’s “thing” even while being a part of Destiny’s step Child was to talk about how hard she worked. And when that got old, she got everybody else to talk about how hard she worked. With the amount of talent she has, she was making damn sure that nobody chalked it up to good genetics in the voice department for her to be able to belt out notes with that powerhouse voice. And it worked. Even her nickname, “Bee”, corresponds to her hard work.

But bromos love her because we can feel as if we worked hard even if we just listened to her and danced the night away, screeching lip-syncing her music. Not going to lie, her acting isn’t all that great, but nobody can deny that the woman can SANG! We also feel like she gives us many H2BT moments, like when she fell offstage on tour that one time and it’s totally on youtube sang especially good well that one time and topped herself.

Lady Gaga
This chick made it OK to go out dressed in shit we found around the garage. Bromos were already creative, but Gaga inspired the creative spirit in those who might’ve been too afraid otherwise. Call her manufactured, a sellout, an Illuminati witch, a blasphemer, whatever; the fact that you have a deeply-seeded personal opinion about this woman should show how much reach she has.

And that’s not all! Along with Nicki Minaj (see below), she gave relatively normal children license to act psychotic and deranged. Last time I checked, clawing the air and thinking you had claws got you an A for creativity in kindergarten, or another dose of whatever they were giving you in the insane asylum. But I’m just sayin’.

Adele
Bitch, we know, we know. Rumour has it that we rolling in the deep while turning tables; don’t you remember when we set fire to the rain because he wont go after we told him to take it all? We get it already!

Adele is a humble diva who ain’t gettin’ another mention on this blog for a month! I swear, we might as well have been her PR team, we promoted that ass so good. Betch got me talkin’ like I’m with the gurls. Ugh. Anyway, we love her and that’s all you need to know.

Nicki Minaj
This chick made it OK for little white bromos to join the soft-core rap scene and not be stared at like a curious object by the Black and Latino bromos in the club. Just be careful cos that tricky lady laid down some landmines that you might not want to step on if you’re not behind locked doors. Though, for that matter, why would anyone want to step on a landmine?

Anyway, she’s got like a billion personalities that all come out at different times to handle their various businesses, making Nicki like a medium or something. What differentiates her from Gaga aside from the ginormous ass and rapping ability is her total immersion in fashion. Gaga wears Diet Coke cans in her hair because it’s ‘cool’. Nicki wears stuff that would make you wonder what the hell drug you’re on because she can. Not hating on Gaga, but Nicki ups the ante LIKE A DUNGEON DRAGON.

Janelle Monae
So, she’s edgy, but not so much so over the edge that she’s caught in a bad romance or feeling like a dungeon dragon. No, no, she’s much classier than that. Donning tuxedos and a pompadour that only she can rock, Janelle Monae is at the top of her class. Bromos love her because she’s real and she’s smart.

Her music has meaning and it really comes from her heart; and if you’ve ever seen her perform… Well… *GUSH*

Anyway, Janelle is like the tightrope she sings about. She’s amazing and artistic, but she’s so cool and down to earth that you wouldn’t be embarrassed going to her concert and being seen there (if Gaga and Minaj weren’t industry-pushed, you wouldn’t be caught dead listening to their flat-ass lyrics and you know it).