Tag Archives: own it

Of Bromos and Boyfriends

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Bromos love boyfriends. When our amazing summer shorts go out of season, a boyfriend becomes the hottest accessory around. It’s great to have something someone hanging on your arm that isn’t a Fendi or a man-bag. And unlike your pet auxiliary, this one can talk.

We’re totally overdoing it on the dehumanization of the boyfriend, but bromos tend to be more about friendship and community—a real Aquarian concept, we think. But romance exists, and prickly thought it might be, it would be great to address it, right? Well here are some of the great things about boyfriends. And don’t worry, we’ll be posting the negs afterward!

Pros
They can teach you about yourself
You probably didn’t know you hated sleeping in the same bed with someone if you aren’t having sex until your boyfriend moved in. You also probably didn’t know that you enjoyed rock music, because you didn’t have someone to sit down and listen to it with you and not let you switch the station. Boyfriends tend to have a magical effect on the bromo; we’ll give disgusting deep-fried squid kalamari a chance if the boy we’re in like/love with suggested it. He might even open your eyes to international travel, or politics, or silly cartoons, and you’ll discover these things that might have otherwise gone unnoticed.

If you are loving, trusting and careful, you might also find techniques in lovemaking that make you the happiest camper you could possibly ever be.

Risk of STD is significantly reduced
One of the great things about a boyfriend is that when you hit the sack, it is likely that you both have had a few story times and you know each other’s relationship and sexual history and health status. That said, your risk of being infected is greatly reduced. Also, if either of you is positive, you can skip the point where either of you has to reveal your status (right before thebow-chika-wow-wow) and go right into using protection (which, we argue, you should be using anyway). Also, you know what he likes and what you like, so you’re pretty much probably going to have a great time.

Loneliness Averted
Sometimes—and I know you’ve felt it too—you have a king-sized bed and nobody to share it with. You lack the warmth that comes from a person’s body and you don’t have a cute little puppy to snuggle up with. Your breath shortens and you wonder why you feel so cold in your heart and if you’re doing something wrong… But then you turn the other way and your boyfriend is there. He’s your Prince Charming, bringing warmth to animate your frozen self; he’s your Harry Potter, shooing away the dementors with his eleven inch holly wand and manly stag Protronous; he’s your boyfriend, and you won’t sleep in the cold tonight.

Don’t judge us because we’re bitter and single. Judge us because we’re judging your relationship behind our smiles and averted glances. I would say just kidding, but… ;P

Cons
Baggage

Those boys can come with more baggage than a Louis Vuitton knockoff retailer when the sweatshop went into overproduction mode! They be all slaggy and mopey about their last relationships, never having dealt with them and bringing all of their problems to you, as if you’re Jay-Z. I mean, you may have 99 problems, but why does HE have to be one? Am I right, or am I right?

He already has those bags, so he had better have that something special, that super bass (what does that even MEAN, Nicki Minaj?!) so you can help him unpack, or you can send his ass right back onto Delta: Fendi, Louis, Prada and all. I prefer my men with a decently-sized duffel, anyway.

Jealousy
Now there is no need for this one. If the dude can’t stand that you are making more money, getting ahead in a way that he isn’t, or has a special skill that he doesn’t and he can’t support you: You don’t need that. I’m usually all about giving people a chance until they step beyond the line (and then some), but this sort of attitude is poisonous. If you are with someone and he cannot support you and help you get better as you help him, then he is a dud. What’s worse is when he begins to resent you and sabotages you, or belittles you to make himself feel better.

That is an absolute no-no. Now, we don’t mean that he’s in a funk and you should dump him immediately because he’s pissy. We’re talking about the sort of state that lasts for long periods of time and it affects you negatively. If you go from being an outgoing, offbeat cutie to a solemn, second-guessing random, you best believe your brotrio will be there to help you pull a Lily Allen on that mofo!

 

 

 

 

Cheating
LMAO! I wish a motherfucker would!

So, while this is probably the perfect Valentine’s post in the start of autumn, we would just like to end on a light note. Boyfriends can be gravy (especially when he’s pouring gravy over you and… um, right), but they can also be bittersweet. And if they can get crazy, you have got to be ready to get the burn on a mofo; get that Nicki out of your system on him!

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“Fat.” Yeah, I said it.

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You know, I’ve realized something: Some bromos are hefty.

Be it big, healthy, husky, fluffy, DAMN!!! or Oh Hell No!, as described by Gabriel Iglesias in his stand up comedy shows, the body, if it is larger than what we consider “average” is subject to being politicized and ridiculed. Fuck that. Bromos over a certain weight are just more to love and can still be beautiful despite what society says. And respect in the highest to the everyday heroes and activists who own their size. (Above photo taken from Unikorna–link to her royal majesty by clicking the pic! 🙂 )

Now while I’m all for empowerment for as many non-normative ways of being as possible (so long as the tenants of self-respect and respect for others are recognized and followed), I do recognize that being larger can cause some health concerns. But you don’t need to be as thin as a stairway rail in order to be accepted. There are also health concerns associated with skinniness, but because thinness is privileged, you don’t really hear much about that. You don’t even need to be “average”; you can be whatever it want so long as it pleases you and doesn’t harm anyone.

I’m just going to put it out there: If you like eating Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia at midnight because your dinner AT SIX O’ CLOCK isn’t sustaining you, FUCK WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! You go to the store, get it and wolf that shit the fuck down. And if anybody says anything, they can go get bent. …Besides, you can use that walking to the store thing as an exercise write-off if you’re breaking your nutrition/exercise regimen.

Now I’m not going to lie: In society, we are taught that it’s not OK to be fat. In macho society, not being an Adonis-sculpted deity is grounds for ridicule. But in the parallel realm of heteo-relations, men can get away with “letting themselves go” while women are expected keep that body fit and tight. And of course, in woman-world, fat go to the back. Gay male society tends to take from woman world and we hold ourselves to ridiculous standards. Males are generally built larger than women, so why are we striving to be a size zero?

And it’s hard to break out of this hegemonic cycle of body-conscious hierarchy in which the thinner or muscled bodies are privileged above those with a little extra.

Even as I write this, I realize that I am cursing myself for eating a can of Pringles, drinking an Orange Mango FUZE, and having just polished off a Kit-Kat and Hershey’s Bar. I realize that in the back of my mind, society is calling me, telling me that I need to get my ass to the gym tomorrow morning or afternoon. And then there’s the part telling me that if I don’t go to the gym, I’d better not eat for a few days to pay for having eaten so late. I am 5’11 and I currently weigh 175 lbs as of the end of this summer. I had been 155 lbs. The worst part is that I have the nerve to consider myself big. And I reinforce that with my gal pals: Complaining how I never go to the gym, how the Wheat Thins are really Wheat Fats in disguise, mentally finding flaws throwing shade at my roommate when he can commit to a workout schedule and I’m blogging or abstaining from the devil’s sweatshop homework. It’s hypocritical, but there’s a ring of fat around my lower torso that I want gone and replaced with abs. In fact, I’m wondering if I’m including this in the blog because I know that I myself am not considered large by society and I would like the validation; someone to confirm “you’re fine.” I mean, wasn’t this blog post supposed to be a guide for bromos, not my personal life on blast? It’s vanity, it’s disgusting, and I wish I were stronger to resist these superficial whimsies. The power of society is strong, but we can out-think it and indulge in the ultimate revolutionary act against market society: Just be ourselves and be happy with us as we are.

Aside from our personal struggles to be comfortable in our skin, it is the duty of the bromo to be kind to and respect everybody despite their size. So long as we can find reasons within ourselves to be confident, poised, and intelligent, it doesn’t matter if we are the size of a pencil, a Pringles can or a planet. In fact, our bromo Adele is a little larger, and we still love her, she’s still amazingly talented, and I PRAY that she continues to be an inspiration for everyone who wants to change the face of our normative appearances. We ourselves may not be perfect, but we can sure be ourselves perfectly.

Homage to Tumblr’s “Miranda Priestley” tag

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I’ve been tumbling lately (Check me out!!) and I realized that Miranda Priestly is all up in this betch. Anybody who knows me knows I love this woman like my own daughter *cough*. That said, feel free to enjoy the narrative proceeding these messages outlining the symbolic and literal impact that a bromo has on the world. 🙂

The moment you enter the room

The moment somebody interrupts your story time or H2BT moment

The moment somebody interrupts you and again

The moment you play with your prey before you pull a power play

The moment they realize they’re messing with the HBIC

The moment you put them in their place
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The moment you lay down the final law
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Bromos are the baddest betches: Not only because we do as we please, but generally, we are pleased with what we do. Miranda Preistley is the epitome of that. Never, I say, never in your life, get a bromo to the point where he makes you his bitch. We seriously do not play that. If you have to ask, we will dismiss you.

"That's all."

Ani-Bromo

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So, I thought I’d move off the beaten path a bit to talk about something random. Bigger and better than anything you ever knew, is my favorite animal: The Leopard.

Not only great for providing inspiration for bags and shoes (I’m still looking for an affordable pair, but if you’re of means, hop on over to a fellow leopard-print lover to check out these beauties below),

Leopards are amazingly bomb-tastic. They are adaptable and can live anywhere from the tip of South Africa to the coast of Morocco. And they aren’t only on the African continent. They span through the middle east, South Asia, and all the way into Far East Asia into Korea.

Many people have animals that they identify with and call on to gather strength during tough times. When I’m trying to own something, I call on the leopard. Those who know it know that it is rather solitary and private. The leopard prefers to sit away and observe; they would rather know what is going on before jumping into anything like some kind of n00b. Always go in with a plan, a kill move, and at least three exit strategies. But by the way bitches be wearin’ it like it’s their job, you’d think the leopard were a common beast.The leopard is NOT a common beast, nor is it a common whore. That pussy is expensive! 😉

Another thing the leopard excels at is patience. In the wild, a leopard will literally stalk prey for hours without moving, waiting for the right time to strike in an explosive display of speed and power. What’s even more, they’re cunning and adaptive. In order to take down a member of a zebra herd, one leopard was reported to have rolled around in mud and elephant dung in order to conceal its scent, and while stalking the herd, actually played dead, waiting for it’s target to come closer! That’s what I’m talking about! (Minus the poop.)

The bromo would be shrewd to imitate the leopard’s qualities. Leopards are the smallest of the big cats, but are no means the most helpless. In fact, it’s their size and mental strength that gives them the edge over bigger animals like the football players lions and tigers. Talk about real power play!!