Tag Archives: gay

Bromo Say Psychic?!

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The best part about being a bromo is probably the psychic abilities. While the occasional ability to pass for straight shapshift or vent angrily breath fire does pop up frequently, it’s the psychic arsenal that finds itself the most prized power play. Among our psychic powers is mind reading, mind-to-mind communication, mental command, time manipulation, seduction, confusion, and the like. I mean, it’s not like we’re not scanning your whole history while we pretend to be on the phone with our besties.

Mind Reading
We know what you’re thinking before you acknowledge it, and while that dumb look crosses your face as you consider what it would be like to have your nasty way with us. The bromo doesn’t even have to try with some people, they just shout their thoughts outloud as if their brains had a little megaphone. When you think we’re just standing around all model-esq as a form of power play, in actuality, we are focusing all of our attention on diving into the depths of your past, figuring out what makes you tick, and then judging the best way to approach you—if you past our first tests.

By the same token, we’re also doing a risk analysis: Does the fact that you don’t make up your bed in the morning an indication that you are sloppy, or too ambitious to pay attention to the small things? And because mind reading won’t get us everywhere necessarily, we have to use our other psychic abilities.

Mind-to-Mind Communication
Everybody talks to themselves in their minds. It’s how we run over thoughts or choose courses of action. When the bromo engages in mind-to-mind, it’s for one of two things: low-down gossip, or sly infiltration. Basically, it’s a story time without having to go anywhere. Using this form of communication, bromos share answers during tests that are ridiculously unfair difficult, discuss the proper ass-to-waist ratio while sitting in the pews at the silent church, or cutting down some rude bitch who happens to have more authority than both bromos combined. It’s not necessary, but the natural inclination for the bromo is to make eye contact that the outsider knows is meaningful, but can’t decipher. Another bromo might be able to hack into the wavelength, but woe betide the poor non who lights aflame the ire of a bromo scorned in the presence of others.

As far as usage for infiltration, the bromo gets all up in your head. He’s the voice pretending to be yours when you aren’t sure if you should get yogurt or ice cream. You know for certain that you wanted ice ceram in the beginning, but the little insistence that you get yogurt that eats away at you until you’re in front of the fro-yo place is deafening. And it doesn’t let up. The bromo also uses this power to stop you from making a move you’ll regret. He’s your best friend’s ex! Don’t do it! Like the little angel on your shoulder, the bromo’s got your back—especially when it comes to whose back you should have.

Mental Command
This is a power that the bromo should really cultivate more instead of focusing on the moral ethics of it. If you’ve ever seen a group of potential gay bashers suddenly get a sense of morality and back off, or a bartender give an extra shot of rum to a bromos cocktail when he hasn’t even flirted with him yet, you’ve witnessed this power in play. It’s often not used to its full potential because the evil Order of the Status Quo knows that same-sex relationships and transgender identity rights would gain full acceptance if they don’t continue to use the media to oppress us. They do everything in their power to keep our self-confidence minimal. Not ironically, it is self-confidence that is necessary to make this particular power work. Coincidence? How are you going to control someone if you can’t even control yourself? You must own yourself!

In recent years, as our confidence grows and our community, so does our ability to come together and affirm each other, allowing our abilities to flourish. Do you think all of those senators and governors agreed to support our rights on their own? Nope. Our on-the-go forceful acceptance therapy delightful persuasion had to strike the right chords. There are some who are seemingly impervious to our abilities, but as we grow, so will our mental command powers and our rights.

But on the less political side, we have been able to use this wonderful gift to make certain lawmakers act on their natural urges in order to create scandals nationwide. Since mental command can’t make someone do anything they would not naturally do, bromos claim a victory.

Time Manipulation
Cher wasn’t making things up when she sang If I could turn back time—she was yearning for the power that her bromo followers had. While we can’t actually turn back time (though the more powerful among us can), we can manipulate our mind into vibrating at a higher frequency so that we are essentially going 120 down an empty highway instead of staying on the same path as everyone else. With this ability, the bromo can eat lunch, read his favorite blog, do his homework, set up three back-to-back dates because he’s not at the commitment stage yet, call his mom to pick up his new Flamenco boots, and hook up with his friends for coffee all before time to go to the Lady Gaga concert and the Rihanna CD signing seemingly simultaneously.

The bromo can do all of this without the help of Adderall because he’s so used to having to multitask holding the camera while making sure the lighting reflects off of him well enough so that it looks like an authentic sex tape so that he can get on that new reality show. Also, he has a history of being around royalty (if he himself is not a queen) and can manage their schedules like nobody’s business. The bromo is a hot mess, but he looks good while doing it and he has 48 hours per day to get it right.

Confusion
The bromo’s final psychic power (listed here, that is) is the confusion blast. The bromo, through his slick talk and cunning, can create a bomb of confusion in the minds of anybody who thinks they know him. It can manifest as him being “the goth one” and then suddenly being all sunshine and dolphins and shit, stealing your boyfriend from right under you, and obtaining your parent’s approval to legally own you without you knowing where any of it came from. The bromo with a single glance can leave you dazed for days, grasping at the threads of reality and saying, “wait, what?”

It’s uncertain how it works. It’s uncertain what it is. It can be achieved through, conceivably, perfectly normal means, but it works in such a way that you have to wonder if it’s planned chaos. Or an unplanned strip of order. Confusion, indeed.

 

The bromo is indeed a powerful entity. And this was only just a sneak peek of the powers the bromo has. What other powers can you think of the bromo having?

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Our Bromo Spider-Man?

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Hey bromos and friends!

We don’t usually do this, but this blog’s been here for about two months, so we guess ‘usually’ is relative, eh? Anyway, we wanted to introduce a new (possible) bromo on the block: Miles Morales!

 

Comic fans may be aware, in the Ultimate Marvel Universe, Spider-Man has died. Miles Morales has taken his place as the new Spidey. Now bromos are a lot of things, but superhero just might be something else we can add to the roster (not that there haven’t been gay male superheroes before). It isn’t written in stone yet, though:

Another surprise could be in the pipeline after his creators said that in the future they would not rule out making him gay.

What do you guys think? The Ultimate Universe in Marvel is basically a parallel universe that re-imagines the characters from the Marvel Universe and reinterprets their stories. Spider-Man was always a white guy, so a half-Black/half-Latino possibly gay interpretation would have people from all walks of life thinking: What would be different? Maybe more of a chance that he’d get a ticket for swinging-while-Black?

I haven’t picked up a comic in quite some time, but if he’s hot I may as well it might be cool to see what’s going on in the comic-sphere. You know, see if this new Spidey is a stickler for a story time with the brotrio, or if, like the old Spidey, he was into journalism. Maybe he’s a writer who’d be willing to write for us (if he doesn’t you still can!). Or maybe part of his power set, aside from web-slinging, includes advanced forms of power play. If this is the case, let us sit and learn from the master at work! If not, we still have the sexy-fine Mystique for that!

Read more about Miles Morales as the new (possibly gay) Spider-Man here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2021563/Marvel-Comics-reveal-new-Spider-Man-black-gay-future.html

Resources for Under-styled Bromos

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It’s common knowledge that the bromo can pull off any style of clothing. If it’s wearable, even if it’s a plastic bag, it will be rocked. As we acknowledged in the last post about style and whatnot, it’s great to think outside of the box. That said, I’m going to begin investing in a charity that gives leopard print to men. Most are afraid to don the fierce cat, but I encourage everyone to embrace it…

But since that particular charity might not get tax-exempt status for one reason or another, Bromo Say What?! would like to introduce our resource page! The page, which can be found in the top navigation menu (or right here) is for the bromo who is interested in helping out, or who needs help. It’s very unfinished, considering it was just created yesterday, but soon we hope that it will flourish to include jobs and career opportunities, personal/for-a-friend help, and other such nice things that can be a help to the LGBT community.

And on that note, enjoy yer day! And don’t be hesitant to join our Facebook page (located in the right sidebar) for updates!

FALLing for Style Tips (TITLE FAIL!!)

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Model Jeremy Tang

Fall has fallen, and so have Nicki Minaj’s panties in Superbass the Northern hemisphere’s leaves—usually signaling the New Year in the world of fashion! All bromos are not as fashion-forward as Liberace, or our favorite HBICs Wilhelmina Slater and Miranda Priestly, but no one who sees us can deny that we have style that is all our own. Whether we derive our style by deviating off of current fashions, or we make it up along as we go, a bromo is always a sight to behold.

At any rate, for those of us who can’t pull off the looks seen in Vogue Magazine (or don’t want to dish out $3,000 on a pair of jeans that don’t connect to the internet or even have bluetooth—seriously?! how can people even justify the price of $90 briefs?), here are some tips from one self-describe snazzy dresser to my bromos and divas in distress!

By the way style and fashion are totally different. Style refers to your own likings and affects—the way you put together pieces of clothing and the attitude and values you attribute to your garments when you wear them. Fashion is an industry that promotes consumerism in various textile and dye areas while commodifying culture

Total Outfits
If it’s mid-to-late fall, it’s probably going to be a little nippy. A nice dark turtleneck over light corduroy pants with brown shoes (light or dark socks dependent on the overall color scheme) and a black or brown belt presents a very standard and conservative image. If you want to rebel against the hierarchy of light-dark dichromaticism, throw in a bright funky-colored belt: Leaf-colored bright orange or yellow; trying-to-hold-onto-summer sky blue—the possibilities are endless! Tuck in the turtleneck so that your admirers can see how off-the-wall, yet still classy you are. It’s the ultimate irony, and hipsters will probably be all over that next spring!

Also in the spirit of fall, but decidedly less conservative, try some animal-print pants. (I have no idea what animal-print has to do with fall, to be honest.) Leopard-print is a personal fave, but zebra or jaguar couldn’t hurt. And since you’re off the wall like a monkey at this point, a crazy graphic tee couldn’t hurt. And mix it up! If you decide on baggy pants, try for a shrunken/small/form-fitting tee. If you go with tight pants, an oversized tee makes is always eye-catching. I personally prefer a tight-on-top/baggy-on-bottom deal, but I tend to trend casual-formal events with a tight-all-over deal (tight not meaning skin-tight, but form-fitting) and casual outings with baggier apparel. Also, try accessorizing with a scarf or hat. Or, gulp, those lens-less glasses that are so “hip.”

And for the crazy folk that want to usurp Gaga Minaj as a a put-together trainwreck (however that works), go crazy and get wild. “How?” you may ask. Well, it’s a fair—after all, crazy is an acquired taste and the bravery to show your craziness is doubly rare. Well, think about this:

crazy baby whale friendsAs unbelievably lame as that is (and the fact that it took 30 minutes to make on MS Paint), by letting go, that’s when the genius within starts to shine. When you’re shopping or going through your closet, be careless and pull out things that don’t necessarily match! When you start to put them together, be reasonless and do not justify anything to yourself. Be adamant in your final choice when you find a match you like that doesn’t match. And finally, be zesty and bring some flair and attitude into your choice! whY? I dunno. That’s just how it works.

You might wind up looking like Dobby from Harry Potter, but you’ll be surprised how many people dress up like him for Halloween! And if you carry yourself proudly and boldly in your craziness (toning it down as necessary), you may just start a trend. Or even get a modeling deal, becoming the fashion world’s next IT boy. Bromo Say What?! would totally endorse you if you did!

Bromos and the Gay Pet Complex and its Complexities

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So I laughed my ass off at this blog post by this pretty lady. Her name is Tricia and she said this funny thing and I totes lol’d. In this post, I’m going to say a lot of culturally critical things. If you want to just skip the explanation and cut to the chase, ignore the next two paragraphs and start reading beneath the FedEx symbol.

Yes, I understand that this image is subject to Marxian analysis as it intersects ideology, consumer/market habits, race and/or nationialism, but damn it just enjoy the image and think what I want you to think about it!

Cultural criticism is defined by Wikipedia as “knowledge via interpretation to understand the meaning of human texts and symbolic expressions—including the interpretation of texts which are themselves implicitly or explicitly the interpretation of other texts. Critical social theory is, in contrast, a form of self-reflective knowledge involving both understanding and theoretical explanation to reduce entrapment in systems of domination or dependence, obeying the emancipatory interest in expanding the scope of autonomy and reducing the scope of domination.” Basically, cultural critics look at a text (advertisement, literature, picture, movie, etc.—any type of cultural product) and interprets it at its rawest, most basic form. It’s sometimes called Marxian analysis, but many cultural critics/theorists are actually not Marxist. Go figure. Also, I would like to thank feminist analysis (a distinct branch of cultural/Marxian analysis) for the particular point of view this post takes.

Ruined your life! You can't un-see it now!

Bromo Say What?! knows that the bromo is intelligent and worldly and is totally fierce to boot. But bromos differ from each other widely and some may be more in tune with our culture’s ways than others. That said, BSW?! is not responsible for any words or ideas which may turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions, and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Initiate, you have been warned. Once your eyes have been opened, they cannot be closed… Like how when you see the arrow in the FedEx logo between the second E and the X.

So now, the blog post, which comes from Confessions of a Recovering Cynic:

I’m now accepting applications for a BFF.
The position doesn’t pay a salary, but I’ll feed you salacious bites of sexual information about my fiancé, who is hot, ripped and heavily tattooed. Pictures are a possibility.
In exchange, I’ll expect you to suggest I wear fishnet shirts and squeal with me when we gossip. If you wear plaid pants and a campy hat, that would be marvelous.

I mean, it’s satire, so all you critical analysis scholars shouldn’t take it too seriously. (Seriously, Tricia’s cool–check out her stuff.) Anyway, Tricia plays on the heteronormative hierarchy that places heterosexuality in the position of agent and the bromo as child or pet. Women, who are in the societal hierarchy beneath men, are above gay men in this hierarchy on the basis of sexual orientation (I won’t get into race/ethnicity/etc. but you get the idea). In this instance, Tricia takes on the role of a human looking to replace a pet because it ran away. She fondly remembers her last gay BFF’s affection and wants to replace it with another’s just like it. And like I emphasized, it’s a role, meaning that the world is a stage and we play different parts in whatever production of society we find ourselves in at any given moment.

Bromos, I daresay, enjoy playing the role of gay pet from time to time. This isn’t always true, and sometimes the bromo, claiming his position as a man, is the dominant force in the gay man/straight woman relationship, and then you have, in direct contrast to the gay pet relation, the fag hag or fruit fly relationship. BSW?! wouldn’t be complete without an entry on that relationship, so I’ll hop right to it soon, but in a nut shell, the gay man is the one who keeps the straight woman around as an auxiliary who isn’t a part of the gay pack. I point this out to ask bromos to remain gentle and not be so high and mighty in case this post incites ideological violence against the straight woman/gay pet relationship. It’s not harmful if both people gain mutual benefit.

(Joan of Arc) Diva: The female version of a hustler, or a straight up gangsta?

My theory, especially for effeminate men (upcoming post: Why Bromos Support Effeminate Men and the Reason Straight Men Can’t Live Without Them) is that they are drawn to strong women who exude confidence and authority (read: that’s why we love us some divas). Not falling into the abusive dichotomous relationship in society of being mandated to play the masculine role and denying ourselves the ability to explore the feminine, bromos dare to admire and lift the heterosexual woman in society by selflessly helping her choose clothes for the party giving proper respect where it is due—and respect for women in society is long overdue.

It is this respect for women, sometimes to the point of imitation, which I think many young boys who don’t play sports or engage in traditionally male activities turn to suicide to correct. As they are unable to cope with the pressure and ultimately find peace in death—something BSW desires to fight with all its being—they deny the world their light, creativity and beauty. Yes, I do think American society, for all the freedom it preaches (operative word, preaches) is the number one killer behind lgbt individuals, behind discrimination and hate crimes—both of which are bountiful in American culture. (Upcoming post: The Challenges Transgendered People Face; possibly an interview—SUBSCRIBE VIA EMAIL OR LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE FOR UPDATES! Both options are on the sidebar to the right of this page!!)

Another theory I have about the straight female/pet gay comes straight (lmao) from the societal hierarchy and the recognition of it. The straight woman and bromo are both aware that there is a ladder and that neither of them are privileged enough to be at the top because they are not heterosexual males (upper class and white/European descent being excluded from the example due to the fact that I do not know the specific class status or race/ethnicity of the reader and I seek to reach a broad audience while some of these markers only apply to the West and then to the United States; this exclusion, I recognize, marginalizes the experiences of people of color—another culturally disenfranchised group). That said, because they recognize their lower status, they find comfort and belonging in their similarities as being parts of marginalized groups and band together to withstand the waves of cultural appropriation that demand them see things from the point of view of the heterosexual male.

Below I’ve put two images that show what the gay BFF is expected to be. I’m just going to take it critic style for a second to explain these images (I haven’t done this since first semester of Junior year! So much fun!)

Megan Mullally/Karen Walker and Sean Hayes/Jack McFarland

In this image depicting Jack and Karen from TV’s Will & Grace, Karen displays power by sitting upright and showing control over her emotions. Her straight back and upright position exudes confidence and self reliance and, by extension, control over her surroundings (Jack included). Jack, on the other hand, reclines in a leisurely fashion and responds to Karen with a some sort of positive emotion (joy? humor?) and points, as if to pay homage. He is in a position that is less powerful, in that if someone attacked right then, he would be less able to protect himself than Karen would be. Even their clothing suggest dominance and submissiveness, for Karen is in formal attire that allows her to travel freely through the public sphere, as opposed to Jack, who wears pajams. It would appear that he is sick, for he’s got a blanket covering him and a bowl of what I presume to be soup at his side, but even his supposed illness is less priveleged than Karen’s healthy disposition. And those earrings are fierce! The earrings she wears also point to a position of wealth (and she is extremely wealthy) over Jack’s unadorned ears (or anything else). She is bisexual, but I honestly feel that in the show, that is an auxiliary part of her identity.

Vanessa Williams/Wilhelmina Slater and Michael Urie/Marc St. James

In this image depicting Wilhelmina Slater and Marc St. James from Ugly Betty, the same tropes from the Jack/Karen image apply more or less. It goes to say that Will & Grace helped to pave the way for gay characters to appear favorably in the medium of television, and the Jack/Karen way of portraying straight women and gay mean is extremely popular and profitable. Anyawy, in the image, Wilhelmina is showing more constraint, and more poise. Even though she is wearing clothing made for women and Marc wears clothing meant for men (read: women’s clothing is seen to show inferiority while the men’s suit stereotypically exudes authority) the solid color of the garments versus Marc’s slew of color speaks volumes in how it appears. They both look into the distance over the camera, but Marc holds himself as if anything in the environment can affect him whereas Wilhelmina’s body posture, though leaning forward (not slouched), is predatory in nature, as if she can take on any threat that came her way head on.

This image differs from Jack/Karen in that Wilhelmina is African-American (you couldn’t tell). It puts the hierarchy into limbo considering whiteness is more privileged than blackness, and yet, heterosexuality is more privileged than homosexuality. If they were equal in terms of power and up for a promotion, who’s merit would account for more if their ethnicities and sexualities were examined? An Afro-American heterosxual woman or a white homosexual man? Oppression Olympic judges might note that Wilhelmina has two strikes against her (race and gender) whereas Marc only has one (sexual orientation). Which leads to the question: Are they in a place like Atlanta, Georgia (with a Black majority and a fair amount of Black influence) or Seattle, Washington?

Another post you can check out is Betches Love This: #52 The Gay BFF.

The most amazing trait of the gay bestie is that they LOVE drama and always have way more scandalous stories than you, which makes [the betch] feel like less of a slut. You suddenly feel better about having sex with three different guys last weekend when your gay bestie informs you he just had a threesome in the Equinox bathroom this morning.

This site, in a way stronger than Tricia, cultivates the bromo as a pet gay, but also allows him the agency to do what he wants. The reason for this is because the betch, as described on the blog, is a fiercely independent and slightly amoral individual, and expects the same of all of the associates the she does not keep around for the sake of manipulation. The betch, they posit, is always going to be on top and is always going to win at everything (because they’re competitive as shit), but the bromo has the ability to rise to glory in the same way—if he’s betchy enough, that is.

Also, please note that THAT ENTIRE SITE IS SATIRICAL, so don’t be heckling the betches who run it about how they’re so misguided and whatnot. Or do, I suppose, if you are not a fan of ironic cultural criticism or the negative media effects that satire inevitably produces.

To conclude the post after all of this, I don’t think it’s wrong to take a submissive role. If a bromo has a strong-willed gal pal and he feels more at ease cuddling up to her and letting her make decisions as he admire her strength, it does not mean the bromo is being abused or dehumanized. It becomes a problem when the woman legitimately believes that all gay men are the same, or are only good for giving compliments or choosing her spring color palate.

Also, don’t not enjoy a wall of text, picture, movie, etc. because you recognize the trope being played out. It happens in real life and sometimes the text is merely making an observation, not pigeonholing all gays into a singular type. But bromos do reserve the right to criticize the hell out of it—after all, gays are catty bitches, right? 😉 Maybe, for the sake of empowerment, I’ll write a post about how we can use the way straight society sees us as a power play.

NOTE: This post was NOT supposed to become a thesis. I meant to just talk up this blog post I read and enjoyed the other day. You guys know I like to keep things light, but I guess even I get hot and heavy at times. I’ve got needs too damnit! You can’t just come over, take me, and expect me to be happy with the arrangement! On that note, have a great day! 😀

Also, once again, don’t be hatin’ on Tricia! Her post amused me, I hope it entertains you as well. Oh, and she’s awesome! She’s at www.tershbango.blogspot.com and I hope you find something you like there!

Mornings

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There are many things a bromo will a will not do. Example: A bromo will apply every fiber of his intelligence toward fighting against feline AIDs in third world tigers. A bromo will not, however, go down after the first date. These are just things that fall as they will. Another thing a bromo will not is morning.

Yes, you read that right. A bromo will not morning.

Morning (MOUR-neeng): n; The time of day when noctournal creatures (i.e.: bats, bromos) begin to sleep; v; The act of waking up, effectively fucking up a good dream, and resolving to start the day at an hour earlier than noon.

Mornings were created by heterosexual patriarchy in order to throw off the bromo’s natural sleep pattern. That’s why they’re against gay marriage! Gay marriage is going to restore order to the world! Yes; I will say anything if it lets me get a bit more shut eye… At any rate, there are ways to deal with morning, this homophobic tool of the oppressor.

Lady Rhiancé $pearry
All them chicks who sing and get paid for it need to work for their money. And that includes waking your tired ass the hell up! Set your alarm to a song that your butt must shake to upon initially hearing. Now, if you are something of a slut sexual progressive, that may be how you are used to falling asleep, but that is something you must fight. Maybe that horrible scream-o music if it works.

Class Expectations
Bromos are in a class of our own. We are expected to be the life of the party at night while simultaneously providing the gay backdrop for Anne Hathaway straight female protagonists in films (read: diversity) in big cities in the morning. We have the pleasure of drinking the day away while still having to close the big account come tomorrow, and it’s only Tuesday.

It’s a lot of stress, but if anybody can do late nights and then start morning-ing, it’s a bromo. We can haul a lot of ass when we need to, and we can also fulfill paradoxical expectations. Just remember that cant no other lady put it down like you, you’re Fergilicious! Lame.

Stimulate
Some bromos just can’t do it alone—and that’s OK. It’s never wrong to need help. Some need a stimulate like Jesus to take the wheel while others are more than content to take three shots of espresso. (Personally, I prefer a strong French Vanilla cappuccino whipped up with just enough foam at the top.) Most bromos probably do the coffee thing, statistically speaking, but a great morning waker upper is actually water.

Yes, H2O. We’re like mostly water anyway, and since like attracts like, wouldn’t it make sense that a cup of clean water would wake you right the heck up? This clear elixir will help you morning like a pro.

So whether or not mornings were created by heterosexual patriarchy will probably never be known. Perhaps the author of this particular post is insane. All that matters is you are able to morning and start your day on a good note without cutting some bitch who probably deserves it for waking you up early.

Of Bromos and Boyfriends

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Bromos love boyfriends. When our amazing summer shorts go out of season, a boyfriend becomes the hottest accessory around. It’s great to have something someone hanging on your arm that isn’t a Fendi or a man-bag. And unlike your pet auxiliary, this one can talk.

We’re totally overdoing it on the dehumanization of the boyfriend, but bromos tend to be more about friendship and community—a real Aquarian concept, we think. But romance exists, and prickly thought it might be, it would be great to address it, right? Well here are some of the great things about boyfriends. And don’t worry, we’ll be posting the negs afterward!

Pros
They can teach you about yourself
You probably didn’t know you hated sleeping in the same bed with someone if you aren’t having sex until your boyfriend moved in. You also probably didn’t know that you enjoyed rock music, because you didn’t have someone to sit down and listen to it with you and not let you switch the station. Boyfriends tend to have a magical effect on the bromo; we’ll give disgusting deep-fried squid kalamari a chance if the boy we’re in like/love with suggested it. He might even open your eyes to international travel, or politics, or silly cartoons, and you’ll discover these things that might have otherwise gone unnoticed.

If you are loving, trusting and careful, you might also find techniques in lovemaking that make you the happiest camper you could possibly ever be.

Risk of STD is significantly reduced
One of the great things about a boyfriend is that when you hit the sack, it is likely that you both have had a few story times and you know each other’s relationship and sexual history and health status. That said, your risk of being infected is greatly reduced. Also, if either of you is positive, you can skip the point where either of you has to reveal your status (right before thebow-chika-wow-wow) and go right into using protection (which, we argue, you should be using anyway). Also, you know what he likes and what you like, so you’re pretty much probably going to have a great time.

Loneliness Averted
Sometimes—and I know you’ve felt it too—you have a king-sized bed and nobody to share it with. You lack the warmth that comes from a person’s body and you don’t have a cute little puppy to snuggle up with. Your breath shortens and you wonder why you feel so cold in your heart and if you’re doing something wrong… But then you turn the other way and your boyfriend is there. He’s your Prince Charming, bringing warmth to animate your frozen self; he’s your Harry Potter, shooing away the dementors with his eleven inch holly wand and manly stag Protronous; he’s your boyfriend, and you won’t sleep in the cold tonight.

Don’t judge us because we’re bitter and single. Judge us because we’re judging your relationship behind our smiles and averted glances. I would say just kidding, but… ;P

Cons
Baggage

Those boys can come with more baggage than a Louis Vuitton knockoff retailer when the sweatshop went into overproduction mode! They be all slaggy and mopey about their last relationships, never having dealt with them and bringing all of their problems to you, as if you’re Jay-Z. I mean, you may have 99 problems, but why does HE have to be one? Am I right, or am I right?

He already has those bags, so he had better have that something special, that super bass (what does that even MEAN, Nicki Minaj?!) so you can help him unpack, or you can send his ass right back onto Delta: Fendi, Louis, Prada and all. I prefer my men with a decently-sized duffel, anyway.

Jealousy
Now there is no need for this one. If the dude can’t stand that you are making more money, getting ahead in a way that he isn’t, or has a special skill that he doesn’t and he can’t support you: You don’t need that. I’m usually all about giving people a chance until they step beyond the line (and then some), but this sort of attitude is poisonous. If you are with someone and he cannot support you and help you get better as you help him, then he is a dud. What’s worse is when he begins to resent you and sabotages you, or belittles you to make himself feel better.

That is an absolute no-no. Now, we don’t mean that he’s in a funk and you should dump him immediately because he’s pissy. We’re talking about the sort of state that lasts for long periods of time and it affects you negatively. If you go from being an outgoing, offbeat cutie to a solemn, second-guessing random, you best believe your brotrio will be there to help you pull a Lily Allen on that mofo!

 

 

 

 

Cheating
LMAO! I wish a motherfucker would!

So, while this is probably the perfect Valentine’s post in the start of autumn, we would just like to end on a light note. Boyfriends can be gravy (especially when he’s pouring gravy over you and… um, right), but they can also be bittersweet. And if they can get crazy, you have got to be ready to get the burn on a mofo; get that Nicki out of your system on him!